Published Friday, February 05, 2010

Traveling in the fast lane

Someone wanted clarification on the proper use of the fast lane on the interstate. I am willing to help, considering I am running late most mornings.

You should keep one thing in mind when traveling on the interstate, slower traffic moves to the right. If that challenges your thought processes, let me assist you further in determining if you are driving in the correct lane of traffic or not.

If people are passing you on the right, you are in the wrong lane. If traffic ahead of you is advancing out of sight, you are in the wrong lane. If other motorists are trying to pass you but a retaining wall on their left is preventing their advancement, you are in the wrong lane. If Amish buggies are flashing their lanterns at you, you are in the wrong lane.

Only a select few should occupy the fast lane. They are: Police of any kind. Vintage muscle cars, Corvettes of any year, and those currently involved in a mid-life crisis. Crotch-rockets or any other biker with a death wish. Ambulances and the lawyers that are chasing them.

Then there are those motorists who should never be in the fast lane: Trucks of any kind (be honest, you know you just want to hog a lane). Demon-possessed cell phone users. Those with blue hair, white knuckles and difficulty seeing over the steering wheel. Pig haulers (the rest of us need a lane of fresh air). School buses or motorists with "Educator" tags. Anyone who turns on their emergency flashers the first time a rain drop hits their windshield. And anyone who can't afford a speeding ticket.

W.J. Butcher

Newnan