Published Sunday, March 03, 2013
Americans everywhere are belching a massive sigh of relief now that the dreaded Sequester (rhymes with Jester) has come and gone with no visible damage to life, limb or congressional pensions.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, the Sequester kicked in March 1. Allegedly, a package of automatic budget cuts designed to do what politicians won’t — the Sequester was dreamed up almost two years ago by a spineless Congress and a clueless president determined to avoid being fiscally responsible if it might cost them a single vote.
And now it’s here. Let the suffering begin. Or not.
Turns out the so-called “cuts” authorized by the big, bad Sequester aren’t cuts at all. They are only reductions in the growth of government spending.
Here’s how this scam works. Let’s say the US government spent a bazillion bucks last year. After the “cuts” imposed by the Sequester, the government will spend two bazillion bucks next year. Since our vote-buying politicians wanted to spend three bazilion dollars, they scream and moan and say spending has been cut by a bazillion.
Only in D.C. This is like your father coming home and saying he got cheated because he hoped to win a Mercedes for selling the most condoms to the local schools, but only got a Camaro because students didn’t need as many free condoms since they were having “safe” online sex with Notre Dame linebackers.
What a laugh. Spending goes up and politicians say firefighters and teachers will be out of work, public libraries will close and the Navy won’t be able to afford the fuel to send an aircraft carrier to Savannah for St. Patrick’s Day.
The horror. I just hope the “cuts” don’t stop federal meat inspections. Otherwise, consumers might find horse meat in their IKEA Swedish meatballs, which just happened in un-Sequestered Sweden. Imagine the panic if possum turns up in Jimmy Dean sausage.
Shakespeare could not have conceived a tragedy so vile.
So what can we do? I have an idea. Let’s Sequester Congress.
According to the dictionary, “Sequester” means “to isolate or hide something.” I can’t think of a better thing to do to Congress. And I know the ideal spot to tuck that load of losers away.
There are only 535 members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives. Imagine the fun they can have on an endless, round-the-world Carnival cruise. Hopefully, aboard the company’s new flagship, the Cesspool of the Seas.
Just imagine. Free food, free drinks, free entertainment, no responsibilities...it will be just like life in D.C.
And if the air-conditioning conks out and the cupboard goes bare, no problem. Members of Congress pride themselves on keeping their cool. And to hear them talk, turning a few stale sandwiches into a year’s worth of loaves and fishes would be a snap.
While Congress is lost at sea, the country would be governed by the Elks Club of Elba, Alabama, a far more capable group than the current crop of elected losers.
This may be my best idea yet. Congress gets a free vacation and voters get some competent leadership in DC. If that’s not a win-win deal, Bigfoot’s bogus.
If the floating festival encounters stormy seas, so what. Most Congresspersons act like they can walk on water. This would be a great time to prove it.
And if the sewer backs up? The only problem would be figuring out whether the blockage is caused by human waste or legislation. It’s often difficult to tell the two apart.