Published Sunday, December 16, 2012
The 2012 presidential election is over. I’ve moved on. After stocking the root cellar with canned goods, water and ammunition, I am making plans to have more fun than ever here in the United States of America.
Sadly, not everyone is as flexible, tolerant and carefree as I. Especially in the so-called Red states, which voted for Mitt Romney for president. In fact, shortly after the polls closed, citizens in several Red states circulated petitions promoting secession from the Union.
Not surprisingly, Blue state residents who think of themselves as “progressive” or “enlightened” said they’d be glad to see what they called Red State Rednecks pack up and go.
It will never happen. And it shouldn’t. I’m a Red state resident and proud to be a son of the South. Wouldn’t move at gunpoint. But the nation is currently celebrating the 150th anniversary of the last time a few Red states tried to secede. If you’re not a history scholar, take a few hours to watch “Gone With the Wind.” You’ll get the idea.
But if Red and Blue states do not care to coexist happily, surely there is a solution short of succession.
Maybe something like a constitutional divorce between Red and Blue states. Red States could take what they have—people, places and things—and Blue states could do the same and the two groups would operate independently of each other without being official enemies. Like the relationship between Bill and Hillary Clinton.
The Blue states border the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the Great Lakes or Canada. The three exceptions are Colorado, which just legalized marijuana, New Mexico, where UFOs are the leading tourism attraction, and Nevada, home of Las Vegas, which is Sodom and Gomorrah with a cover charge.
Florida was officially in the Blue column, but since the panhandle voted beet red, everything from Apalachicola to Pensacola would be part of the Red Nation.
And what would each group get?
Blue states could claim the headquarters of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, the Kennedy family, Apple, Microsoft and the country’s hippest STD treatment spa, the Haight-Ashbury Free Clinic at 558 Clayton Street in San Francisco.
Red state corporate headquarters would include those of Chik-Fil-A, Delta Airlines, Home Depot, Coca-Cola, Krispy Kreme and NASCAR.
Blue states get Harvard and Yale, whose football teams haven’t whipped an SEC opponent since the jock strap was invented. As for technical and scientific studies, Georgia Tech can stand its own with any Blue state school.
Blue state beaches come in 50 shades of gray. Red states sport the sugar white sands of the Gulf of Mexico, the tastiest seafood on earth and water clean enough to swim in without wearing a hazmat suit.
Blue states get Hollywood. Red states get Opryland. Lindsey Lohan or Faith Hill. You choose.
Blue states get granola and cream of wheat. Red states get cornbread, sweet tea, shrimp & grits, pecan pie, pork barbecue and world-class fried chicken.
Red states have most of the farmers. Blue states, most of the bureaucrats.
If residents of Red and Blue states are happy to live on their own with no interference or control from the other group—including taxing one clump of states to pay the bills of the other—there’s no reason an amicable separation couldn’t last forever.
And if some unforeseen friction pops up, well, just count the number of Red state military installations. If it leaves you feeling Blue, don’t worry. Red state-based U-Haul is just a call away.
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