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Matthew Towery Columnist

Published Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Moe, Larry and Curly fight for Republican nomination

OK, folks, don't get mad. This little piece is purely to attempt a bit of comic relief from the strife that has been the race for the GOP nomination for president. The media have tried every way in the world to suggest that the fight for the Republican nomination has "crippled" the Republican chances of defeating Barack Obama. Having been around through many a presidential contest, I know that is not the case. But before this road show ends, let's have a little lighthearted fun with it.

Meet "Moe" Romney, "Larry" Santorum and "Curly" Gingrich. They are stuck in another one of their endless debates.

Moe Romney starts the fight with a comment about Larry Santorum's position on contraception.

"So, you want to be a wise guy," he says, "trying to get that evangelical vote while irritating the independent females."

Larry Santorum responds, "Well, that's really not my position, but since you blabbed it all over the television, I guess I'm stuck with it."

"I'll show you a position," Moe exclaims, quickly jabbing his finger in Larry's eye.

"That hurt," Larry cries out.

"Yea, if you think that hurt, wait 'til my super pack of friends show up and give you what you deserve."

Curly Gingrich, observing the confrontation, can take it no more. He slaps himself in the face six times, running in place, and appears ready to deck Moe.

"What are you doing, numbskull?" Moe asks.

"Just fundamentally opposed to your tactics in a grandiose way," Curly Gingrich responds.

"Oh, you want grandiose, do ya?" Moe replies. "How 'bout I hit you so hard I send you to the moon?"

Curly stares up into the sky and says, "Hey, that's a pretty good idea ... Curly Gingrich, Moon President." Moe Romney responds, "Aim a little lower, you moron," as he kicks Curly's rear end.

Larry is back in the conversation. "Hey, Moe, what's it like to be a Massachusetts liberal who Obama modeled his mandatory health care after?"

Moe bites back, "I don't know, show me your secret union card, and I'll tell ya."

"He ain't in no union," Curly declares.

"Yeah, he is," Moe responds. "He's united in seeing that my establishment boys don't take control of the Republican Party. ... Take that," as he blindsides Curly, twisting his nose and kicking his leg.

Curly, rubbing his face, threatens Moe, "If you don't back off, I'm gonna call Sheldon out in Nevada and have him give you the once over."

Moe retorts: "Tell that casino guy that I said he pulled the wrong card in this game. He got stuck with the Joker."

"Who are you calling a joker?" Larry asks.

"I wasn't talking to you, crazy eyes," says Moe. "I never talk to or about you. I let my pack of friends do that."

Larry asks, "Yeah, well, what do they say?" Moe answers: "I don't know. I never listen to any of it. In fact, I keep my entire life in a blind trust."

Curly chimes in that "trust is important."

"Oh, yeah," Larry responds, "then why did you let them take that picture of you and that dame Pelosi?"

"Because I trusted her," Curly replies.

"You idiot," Moe yells, "never trust a liberal woman from San Francisco."

"How was I to know?" Curly asks.

"Ya got two eyes, right?" says Moe. Then he pokes Curly's right eye. "Make that one now!"

The bickering goes on and on. The three run about the stage as Curly decides, again slapping his face numerous times and running furiously in place, to attack the moderator of the debate ... not with words, but by biting him on the hand.

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you," Moe warns Curly.

"When you're low on cash and need to eat, you don't mind what ya put in your mouth" Curly says.

About this time, Moe's older uncle "Ron" comes up on stage.

"Hey, what's he doing here?" a paranoid Larry Santorum asks. "None of your business," Moe Romney responds. "He is obviously part of a fundamentally and very real effort to gang up on you in a conspiratorial fashion," Curly Gingrich declares.

Uncle Ron responds: "You are obviously nothing but three stooges. ... And Moe, quit copying my haircut."

They may be three, make that four, stooges, but the guess here is that one of them will have the last laugh in November.

• • • •

(Matthew Towery heads the polling and political information firm InsiderAdvantage. Follow him on Twitter @matttowery . His column is distributed by Morris News Service and Creators' Syndicate.)

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