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Alex McRae Columnist

Published Sunday, December 18, 2011

Internet shopping shortcomings

'Tis the season when shoppers burst forth in smiles and shopkeepers bust out in hives.

Retailers that don't rake in big bucks during the Santa season might well be sporting a "Closed" sign this time next year. And, these days, it's harder and harder to get customers through the door. There's a reason. And it's not bad traffic or high prices.

On Aug. 1, 1981, a new entertainment era dawned when MTV hit the airwaves. The first performers on the playlist were The Buggles singing "Video Killed the Radio Star."

That one was prophetic. The modern equivalent would be "The Internet Killed the Retail Store." Or it's sure trying.

With online sales soaring, owners of brick and mortar stores are desperately seeking new ways to attract shoppers. Not all of them involve low, low prices. This year's tactics include promoting a dubious claim that shopping is actually good for your health. Especially for "older" shoppers.

A recent article published in the "Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health" alleges that shopping can do for more for one's health than working out at the gym.

The study followed over 1,800 "older" shoppers from 1999 to 2008. Results claimed that men who shopped frequently were 28 percent less likely to die than retail couch potatoes. Women who shopped heavily had a 23 percent decrease in mortality.

Before you scream "Fountain of Youth," cancel your health club membership and race to the nearest mall, please note that the study was done on shoppers in Taiwan.

For all I know, Taiwanese shoppers might live long and prosper. That doesn't make it true everywhere.

A similar study in the U.S. would show that serious shopping -- especially during the holiday season -- is tougher than mixed-martial arts and only slightly less lethal.

Amateur shoppers like me really have to be careful. I was forced to make an emergency trip to a big box store a full week before Black Friday. Even though the crowd was light, I was almost turned to retail roadkill by a "full-figured" woman driving a souped-up mobility chair who sideswiped me in sporting goods while racing to aisle 3 after the PA system announced a half-price sale on Twinkies.

I got off lucky. This year, U.S. shoppers have been tased, shot, stomped, trampled and, in one case, sprayed with tear gas by a "shopper" trying to get to a bargain item before the shelves went bare.

Two stores actually got bomb threats from shoppers hoping to clear out the competition, and a Florida man was busted for beating a fellow shopper with a frozen fish.

I'm willing to give my life for God, family and country, but as far as I'm concerned, a deep discount isn't worth a paper cut, much less a ride in an ambulance.

I love my local merchants, but every time I see another story about a shopping death or injury, the Internet looks more and more attractive.

Not that online shopping is totally worry free.

My long hours at the computer already expose me to a host of painful injuries ranging from Repetitive Motion Syndrome to typer's cramp. Excessive computer shopping would only add to my fear of being permanently disabled by the next keystroke.

On the bright side, I read lots of police reports and excessive computer use has never been listed as a cause of death.

But while online shopping is convenient, computers can't do everything. And until mine learns to flash a big smile and say "Merry Christmas," I'll take my chances at the store.

•••

(Send your email comments to: alex@newnan.com )

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