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Alex McRae Columnist

Published Sunday, January 15, 2012

Forget the beef. Where's the excitement?

Forget the beef. Where's the excitement?

So far, the 2012 presidential campaign is dull as dirt. I blame the candidates. Specifically, the Republicans.

They all claim the fate of the nation is at stake, but Republican candidates are waging the kind of war even the French army could win, yapping at each other like enraged poodles, hollering, "I hate rich people, too" or "Obama is a commie" or "My opponent wants to blow up the Middle East and I want to legalize drugs."

It's the political equivalent of "Your sister is ugly and your mama wears combat boots." And about as effective.

That's too bad, because hard-nosed political hatred can be a beautiful thing to watch.

Years ago I lived in a small town in south Alabama. It was as nice a place as I've ever called home, filled with some of the best people I've ever known.

Not long after I moved in, the longtime mayor came by to welcome me to town. He seemed like a nice fellow and I appreciated the gesture. A few weeks later he announced he was retiring from politics and grateful citizens sent him off with a swank reception featuring everything but fried chitlins. A park was even named in his honor.

The former mayor found success at several small businesses then decided to move up to the big money. He developed a pretty parcel of land on the outskirts of town, sent a road looping through it and waited for the buyers to come. They did.

Soon, the town's most prominent doctor, dentist and banker called the exclusive street home. The swanky subdivision was a smash hit.

But despite his success, the ex-mayor wasn't happy. Making money was nice, but he realized that after presiding over the Rattlesnake Rodeo in Opp, Ala., everything else was a step down.

Money couldn't buy the public spotlight time he missed so badly so he decided to run for mayor again, campaigning briskly and calling himself "The ex and the next."

He quickly realized that in the three or so years since he'd left office, locals had become quite comfortable with the new mayor, who did a nice job of governance and had a knack for passing out both political favors and free tickets to Auburn or Alabama football games.

Even the folks who built beautiful homes in the town's nicest subdivision turned their backs on their former political ally and friend. The ex-mayor lost in a landslide. But he didn't get upset. He got even.

The subdivision sat on a parcel of land that fronted the main highway through town. The big shots lived in the back half of the parcel. The front half, which adjoined the highway, had been zoned as a residential "buffer" and green space.

After his defeat, the ex-mayor tried to have the highway frontage rezoned to accommodate a fast-food joint, gas station and low-rent motel.

The homeowners stopped the rezoning, so the former mayor took a different approach. He applied for a permit to build a nice new house right across the street from the doctor, the dentist and the banker. The plans showed a big house, a four-car garage and a small outbuilding.

The plans were approved and construction started. It didn't last long. The only structure ever completed was the small storage building, which was topped with a tin roof, painted bright red and finished with a cutout crescent moon on the front door. It was the nicest outhouse you ever saw. And it was the first thing the doctor, the dentist and the banker saw when they walked out their front doors each day.

The outhouse was destroyed a few months later in a suspicious fire, but the legend of the ex-mayor's revenge lingers today.

In politics, it doesn't get any better. Too bad our current candidates aren't so clever.

•••

(Send your email comments to alex@newnan.com )

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