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Alex McRae Columnist

Published Sunday, January 08, 2012

Crowd control

Every new year brings a new set of goals, a new set of dreams and a new set of challenges. And right now, no group feels more challenged than the mayors of America's big cities.

They're not wringing their hands over how to balance the budget, how to fund over-promised government pension plans or how to draw tourists to downtown areas that in some cases resemble the "after" photos of Judgment Day.

They're worried about crowd control.

As 2011 drew to a close, big city mayors watched in horror as crowds of "Occupy Whatever" protesters turned once-vital areas of trade, tourism and commerce into massive municipal cesspools. And big city mayors know that, in 2012, it will happen all over again.

The Occupiers have gone into hibernation, but when spring arrives, warm weather and heated political races will have them out again in droves, protesting everything from greedy Wall Street bankers to the injustice of having to pay some of their own college tuition.

Once that happens, mayors will be searching high and low for ways to manage the multitudes that don't wind up as unflattering YouTube clips of overworked, over-harassed cops using force -- and pepper spray -- to subdue surly sitters.

America's mayors need new solutions. If she were still alive, they couldn't find a better consultant than my first grade teacher, Miss Elizabeth Bouby (Boo-bay).

Miss Bouby was a firm believer in crowd control. She was especially vigilant about not allowing students to "clump up," as she put it.

She was convinced that big crowds of kids could only lead to big trouble and made sure her students spent plenty of time alone.

In the Bible, Jesus tells His followers that wherever "two or three" are gathered in His name, He will be with them. Miss Bouby? Forget three kids in a crowd. Once she saw two kids start clumping, she figured they were up to something and shut things down.

If Miss Bouby were in charge, Occupiers would never have a chance to gather for a chorus of "Kum-Ba-Yah," much less make a mess.

That won't happen, so America's mayors are stuck. But if they can't control crowds that have already gathered, there may be another solution: make the gathering places so unappetizing no one wants to be there.

It's working in England.

According to recent news reports, residents of Coulby, Newham, in northeast England, were besieged by crowds of unruly youths who loved to gather in one of the city's wooded areas to do what rowdy youth do, including using drugs and having sex, much like Occupy protesters.

After tiring of citizen complaints, city officials solved the problem in a most unique and clever way. They didn't hire more cops or post "no trespassing" signs. They simply went to a local farmer, purchased a big dose of his "product" and sprayed the kids' favorite hangout with pig manure.

Just one spray and the kids went away. Not surprisingly, area crime dropped like a rock.

Some residents were slightly annoyed by the odor, but most agreed the solution was better than having a bunch of oversexed dope fiends camped out in the park.

One council member said residents were not troubled by "a slight whiff ... they would much rather have a pong than a bong."

It's not a crowd control technique the Sensitivity Studies Department at Harvard would endorse, but if it worked in England, it might work here.

Plus, it's organic. Environmentalists should love the idea.

Right now, America's mayors are desperate for solutions. After seeing what happened in 2011, they might decide a little dose of pig poo is preferable to a big crowd of protesters.

•••

(Send your e-mail comments to: alex@newnan.com )

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