Published Sunday, December 09, 2012
My blessed wife generally worries herself sick over what to get me for Christmas. She’s always relieved when I say, “Oh, I don’t need anything, dear. Your love is the greatest gift I could ever hope for and all I could ever desire.”
Those days are gone. Things have changed. Not in my marriage. In my wallet. Or they soon will.
The so-called fiscal cliff draws nearer every day in D.C., and before my 401K fails, I want what’s coming to me. Starting with a very special Christmas gift. I know just the thing.
Normally, I wouldn’t purchase such an item for myself. Especially during even-numbered years, when I buy new underwear.
But after I saw two news items in two weeks about something that has fascinated me as long as I remember, I knew I had to act, and fast.
The UK Daily Mail just reported that a big-haired blonde from Texas named Dr. Melba S. Ketchum claims to have absolute proof that Bigfoot not only exists but was having sex with human females as long ago as 15,000 years.
Dr. Ketchum—a veterinarian by trade— said her firm, DNA Diagnostics, had used actual DNA evidence to prove the startling assertion. Better yet, the DNA sample—the first ever found— was recovered from bits of blueberry bagel left behind by a family of Bigfeet in northern Michigan, where Native American legend has long held that Bigfeet and bagels live in harmony.
Skeptics pooh-poohed Ketchum’s “proof,” especially after she refused to share her research with other well-respected veterinarians. But that’s always the case, isn’t it?
You know what? I don’t care. If there’s a blueberry bagel out there that proves Bigfoot exists, I want to see it. Them. The bagel and/or the Bigfoot. Who could ask for more at Christmas?
Naturally, I fretted over the expense. Going to Texas to see Dr. Ketchum or Michigan to see a bagel is expensive. Maybe even too expensive for the most generous wife.
But in a burst of heavenly fortune, not long after I heard about the bagel-eating Bigfeet in Michigan, my editor passed along a press release about a Bigfoot conference right here in north Georgia in mid-January.
I can make it. For the cost of a tank of gas. Can you say karma?
The event is the Midnight Walkers Southeastern Bigfoot Conference. And it’s a big deal. Bigfoot experts from across the globe will be there to share all they know about the fascinating creatures.
Speakers include Ron Morehead, who is credited with recording an actual Sasquatch for the first time. Whoa, dude.
Another guest speaker is Arla Williams, who will provide “female perspective” on Bigfoot research. Her talk will include “the how-to’s in interacting, developing relationships with a clan, dealing with the fear.”
But the top attraction, at least for me, is R. Scott Nelson – described as a crypto-linguist with over 30 years experience in foreign language and linguistics.
In 2010, Nelson broke the Bigfoot language barrier and was able to produce and publish the Sasquatch Phonetic Alphabet and Transcription Standard.
A Bigfoot alphabet? Are you kidding me? Holy secret decoder ring, Batman!
Nelson is so awesome he is even a time traveler. At least according to the event website, which said he had appeared on “his local news” on, Nov. 14, 2013... a full 11 months from now! Pow!
Bigfoot, bagels and time travel. Merry Christmas to me. I can’t wait to tell my wife.
In fact, speaking of Christmas gifts... I can’t think of anything my wife would enjoy more than watching me travel to the Bigfoot conference.
Send your email comments to: firstname.lastname@example.org