Published Sunday, September 23, 2012
In these perilous times, when the American economy is hanging by a made-in-China thread and the Arctic ice cap is shrinking faster than the U.S credit rating and the Middle East mullahs are increasing the mayhem quotient almost daily, I have tried mightily not to write snarky stuff that might disturb readers already drifting toward the treacherous shoals of despair.
Not any more.
When the blandest guy in America, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, decides it’s appropriate to discuss TV starlets, all bets are off.
This unwholesome incident occurred shortly after Romney fired his grownup media advisor and hired a blogger from northern Arkansas to book his TV appearances.
Faster than you could say stupid, Romney showed up on “Live! With Kelly and Michael,” which used to be “Live! With Regis and Somebody Else.”
Maybe Mitt thought appearing on “Live!” would show how he understands We, the little people. So would a show about meth addiction and social diseases, but I don’t want to watch it.
Which brings us to Honey Boo Boo and her family. And the fact that America can’t get enough of the smash TV show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.”
In case you (are the only person left in the world who) didn’t know, Honey Boo-Boo is 7-year-old Alana Thompson, who rose to stardom by strutting her stuff in the hit TV show “Toddlers & Tiaras.”
Honey Boo Boo was such a fan favorite, the network created an entire show around her and her family down in McIntyre, Georgia. It’s quite a group.
Honey Boo Boo’s mama, June, is a serial fornicator who doesn’t care who fertilizes her eggs as long as they bring home the bacon. That explains why Honey Boo Boo has three older sisters by three different fathers, none of them Honey Boo Boo’s. Honey Boo Boo’s daddy—the current breadwinner—is a nice man named Sugar Bear.
The show depicts the family in a way that makes the north Georgia extras in “Deliverance” look like rocket scientists.
Unfortunately, it hasn’t been that hard, since Honey Boo Boo’s family members fit snugly into a certain stereotype. A few more wheels on the family home and the caricature would be complete.
But to be honest, there are families like Honey Boo Boo’s all across America. If you don’t believe it, spend an afternoon in south Detroit or East Los Angeles.
The scary part is, “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” is a hit. Stardom has already caused family problems. Mama June recently told an interviewer that “it takes a lot longer to get out of Walmart.”
And now Honey Boo Boo is part of the presidential campaign. During his appearance on “Live!” Romney was asked who he liked better, Honey Boo Boo or Snooki, the star of Jersey Shore who just won “Celebrity Unwed Mother of the Week” honors.
Instead of pleading ignorance of such TV garbage, Romney took the bait. Worse, he picked the slut over the Southern Belle.
“I’m kind of a Snooki fan,” Romney said. “Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight. She’s energetic. Just her spark-plug personality is kind of fun.”
Southerners have not been so deeply insulted since Joy Behar mocked Paula Deen’s accent (and fondness for butter) on “The View.”
Whether dissing Honey Boo Boo in favor of Snooki will cost Romney Southern votes remains to be seen. But, if nothing else, it proves my friend David Boyd’s long-held assertion that “you don’t have to be poor to be white trash.”
Take two bowls of grits, Mitt, and call me in the morning. You may not have us in your heart, but at least you’ll have some South in your mouth. Can’t hurt.