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Kathy Bohannon Columnist

Published Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Breakfast and a soldering iron

Ninja Man cooked supper the other night.

It was a real sweet thing to do considering I truly dislike cooking and I was just a teeny bit hungry.

Little did I know his meal preparation would include a soldering iron.

I cannot make this stuff up. When Ninja Man is in the kitchen, anything can happen; and most often, anything does.

He and I love breakfast. We could eat breakfast any time of day. We have actually eaten it three times in one day. If they weren't loaded with cholesterol we'd probably have to buy our eggs by the crate.

"I'm making breakfast for dinner," he announced.

I heard pans rattling in the kitchen. Visions of soft scrambled eggs with crisp bacon filled my mind. Had I put two and two together, I would have realized that Ninja Man had stopped off at the grocery store and eggs and bacon was the farthest thing from his mind. Ninja Man had visited the organic breakfast section of the store and scored a delightful waffle mix.

Besides eating breakfast, one of our favorite pastimes is going to thrift stores and yard sales. Investing less than $10 total, Ninja Man has managed to acquire a rather impressive collection of waffle irons.

"Do we need more than one?" I asked him once when I spotted him checking out a used Belgian waffle iron. "This one is much better," he explained, then pointed out the price of a whopping $2.

Though I didn't know where he was going to put a second waffle iron, I figured we couldn't go wrong with spending just $2 on a small appliance and in no time we had adopted it and it was riding home on the back seat.

There was a third waffle iron, but we dropped it just as we were walking away from the Junior League sale. One foot broke clean off and no matter what we propped under it, it still made lopsided waffles.

So on this recent night, he was in the kitchen doing what he does best; making a ton of noise and a huge mess. I did what I do best; stayed clear of the noise and flying utensils, hoping everything would go well for him.

As soon as he announced dinner was ready, I bellied up to the kitchen island. His menu for the evening was two waffles and ice water. He plopped the waffles onto a plate and slid the plate, short order cook style, across the island. They barely made it a few inches. I would soon discover why.

My ice water would become the saving grace; the only thing I could count on to get those waffles down. I had never seen such thick, huge waffles in all my life. The sugar free syrup I used disappeared into them like they were sponges. I cut into one and it sprang back so fast that syrup splashed in my face.

He had worked so hard on them that I didn't want him to know that I had no clue how I could eat the things, but I did. Both of them. Two, huge, organic waffles. Made from buckwheat. I'm pretty sure they make things like brooms and welcome mats from buckwheat. And there were two.

I chewed and chewed, my teeth bouncing as the huge things sprang to life in my mouth. I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I ate while he was still cooking his own.

He checked the waffle iron while I forced another bite down. His $2 waffle iron apparently had met its match with my buckwheat waffles, and it gave up the battle with a puff of smoke and a spark. He unplugged the appliance and went out to the garage, returning with a number of tools including his soldering iron. Meanwhile my buckwheat breakfast had gone from spongy to an honest to goodness brick in my tummy while Ninja Man soldered on his waffle iron.

I looked at the plate; the one with a few bites of spongy brick buckwheat left behind and realized he could have had one of the waffles. I was sad in so very many ways, but secretly hoped that waffle iron was toast.

I felt terrible that he never did get his buckwheat waffles that night, but when he tossed that waffle iron into the trashcan, I must say I began to feel much, much better.

Kathy Bohannon is a Georgia Press Association award winner and regular contributor to the Newnan Times-Herald. Kathy can be reached at kathybohan@yahoo.com .

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