Alex McRae Column

Signs of the (end) times

by Alex McRae

Fires, floods, cyclones, earthquakes, frogs, boils, locusts, liberals… you don’t have to be a Biblical scholar to know that when such things appear The End Is Near.

And not just The End of the current season of “The Walking Dead.”

We’re talking about The End where God  looks down from heaven, chalks up his cosmic pool cue, strokes planet Earth into a corner pocket of oblivion and says “Game over.”

That one.

People have predicted for centuries that the earthly show is about to close. Years ago, you couldn’t travel 20 miles down a two-lane Southern highway without passing a hand-lettered sign that said, “Repent. The End is Near.”

The signs are still around, but now they’re posted alongside interstate exits and say “Topless Truck Stop with XXX Movies.”

The apocalyptic warnings have never been more abundant. And recently, some hip, new signs of The End have popped up in unexpected places.

For instance, driving though South Dakota was once a delight. Especially if you were headed somewhere cool like Mt. Rushmore or Sturgis. But South Dakota motorists had quite a scare recently when they were bombed by falling buzzards. Yes, stinky, smelly, gut-eating buzzards.

The birds didn’t fall because they were too tired to flap their wings. They fell because they were frozen stiff. 

One of the frozen fowl actually hit a house near Sioux Falls. The homeowner, Adam Weber, was only too willing to talk about it, telling “The Argus Leader” that his bride was baking breakfast biscuits when “A large bird fell out of the sky.”

If that won’t get your attention, nothing will.

Weber said the bird was covered with ice but still alive when it bounced off his back porch. The bird eventually thawed out and winged away. Presumably to warn some other place that the world was about to end.

Scientists blamed the frozen buzzards on “unusual weather phenomena.” Right. That’s what they said when Sodom and Gomorrah went up in smoke.

By the way, a quick check of my files confirms that in March 2012, a Florida teacher was injured by a flying mackerel. 

If frozen buzzards and flying fish weren’t enough to convince you The End is lurking right around the corner, consider this: Florida residents are now battling an invasion of snails big enough to eat a small child or a large Chihuahua.

The giant African land snails were formerly confined to Africa, where residents knew how to deal with them (Tasty when roasted over an open flame). They are not only big enough to cause nightmares, they devour over 500 species of native plants, enough to anger even the most militant vegetarian.

They also blow out tires and make sidewalks slick and dangerous. The only way to make these things worse would be to saddle them with boomboxes playing rap music.

In the past 18 months, almost 120 thousand of these vile creatures have been apprehended by state wildlife officials. Millions more are on the way. And some residents want to ban automatic weapons? In Florida they should be mandatory for snail eradication.

By the way, such problems are not confined to America. The same week frozen buzzards fell in South Dakota a man in Belaurus was bitten to death by a beaver. To death.

Still don’t think The End is near? Read two chapters of the Book of Revelation and call me in the morning. If a giant snail hasn’t slimed your phone.



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