Summer's sweetest sequel
When I was a kid and my parents wanted an evening to themselves, they dumped me at the local movie theater. I didn’t mind a bit. If I heard, “Let’s go to the show,” I was ready. And I didn’t care what was playing.
Comedy, western or war epic, all that mattered was getting out of the house for a few hours to sip a soft drink, blast through a bag of popcorn and soak up something that wasn’t available at home — air-conditioning.
The only movie I remember from those days is “Lady and the Tramp.” I liked it. I also enjoyed anything involving Frankenstein, a werewolf or the Three Stooges.
My movie habits changed forever in high school, when the James Bond books I loved hit the big screen. One look at Ursula Andress slinking out of the sea in “Dr. No” convinced me James Bond movies were not to be missed.
I’ve been a sucker for sequels ever since, and right now there’s a huge one on my radar screen. It’s not a movie. It’s better. In fact, this blockbuster is bigger than anything Hollywood ever produced.
Coming July 15: “Return of the Twinkie.”
Say it again, softly. “Return of the Twinkie.” Then close your eyes, sit back, relax and get ready to once again wrap your lips around those rolls of light, spongy cake filled with sweet, sugary goo that will keep your mouth watering all the way to the cardiologist.
For junk-food junkies like me, it doesn’t get any better. If you’re one of the dozens of people around the world who have never put tongue to Twinkie, you may be wondering what all the fuss is about.
It’s hard to put into words. Certain people just love certain foods. I knew a guy in south Alabama who would crawl halfway across the county for a plate of fried chitlins. I once dated a woman who swooned over raw broccoli and cauliflower.
But Twinkies are unique. If asked to describe one, I couldn’t get any further than “Yum.” This is one treat that defies description. And, until recently, Twinkie lovers feared they were gone for good.
When bankruptcy forced Hostess Brands to quit making Twinkies in November 2012, stores were picked clean in hours by people convinced their favorite snack was history. I bought a few myself to have on hand in case nuclear war or insurrection forced me into hiding.
Savvy business people soon realized the Twinkie was a cash cow and the company’s new owners just announced the Twinkie was rising from the junk food graveyard.
Company officials say Twinkies won’t just be back, they’ll be better. New Hostess president Rich Seban said the Twinkie will retain its signature spongy cake and creamy filling (Thank you, Lord), but might add some textures — like crunchy — and maybe even a new flavor or two.
Imagine a Devil’s Food Twinkie stuffed with filling laced with crushed M&Ms. I shudder at the possibilities.
Hostess officials also hope to peddle their products to health-conscious consumers. Tofu Twinkies are not in the pipeline but you can expect to see Twinkies offered in low sugar, low sodium and even gluten-free models.
Gluten-free junk food. Only in America. Let’s see the Chinese top that.
My health status won’t allow me to overindulge, but that’s not a problem. I’ve always felt that Twinkies and IRS audits are best done in moderation.
The company is calling the July 15 rollout “The Sweetest Comeback in the History of Ever.”
I‘ll just call it the second coming, spelled with lower case letters. I think You-Know-Who will understand.
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